Kelly

its been awhile since I have posted here, so a brief run down of everything going on,,,,,,
JOB; Going great I love it and love the people I work with and I really like the money coming in!!
Kids; Are great they just went through strep throat but are better i took them to a hotle for the night a little mini vacation, they swan the whole time it was fun.
Family; Good all the way around,
Trailor; Not gonna happen I guess I think it just wasnt meant to be. I may be getting a place at my work as soon as a 3 bedroom comes available.
Health; Still the same still dont know whats wrong with me! I have semi good days and really bad days, I am just learning to live with the pain it just suck cuz it is limiting me in so much that I can do, like shopping is a big problem, I dont want to even think about this summer and trying to do stuff with the kids that will require walking and being on my feet!!!

Oh I dont even know were to begin, the past couple weeks have been CRAZY! My mom had back surgery and my dad had hurnia surgery it went well for both, they are recovering good. i am thankful for that, it would be sad to have anything happen to either of them. My pain has been a roller coaster, not completly going away but a little here and ther I can actually tolerate walking around, today has been horriable I feel like cutting them off! The Dr. gave me some medicine so I wont have the spasims at night but last night I had them anyhow, but the medicine dont help for the pain during the day ata ll, thakfully my sister has been giving me her pain killers so I made it through my first couple days of work. Yes speaking of work, I got a jb which rocks! its 10 bucks an hour, full time benifits, everything i culd ask for, plus its in the apartment field which i was looking for!! The ladies I work with and for all seem very nice. So what more could I ask for right well I always seem to get one step ahead and then end up falling in a whole!!!! Friday i get a weird call on my cell its the drug testing lab I tested posative for marijuanna, well most of you would say ya well duh you do smoke but, I drank about 3 gallons of water and tea the night before and pissed my brains out, I have never failed a drug test before, nad never bothered flushing out my system like i did this time, so they ask me any medications i been taking i tell him a bunch plus other i cant think of off the top of my head, he said he would check again but he dont think any of them would show u as marijuanna. So monday I have to go into work, and talk to both of my managers and pleed my case, I am just gonna tell them look I dont even smoke ciggerettes and if you want to randomly test me I dont have a prob with it . Plus explain all the medicines I have been on including herbal remedies, hopefully it will fly, its not like I have peoples lives in my hands or am operating machinery. I cant loose this job I will feel like such a piece of shit my family will freak out, they know I smoke on ocassion some of them even do, its just everyone has gone on and on about "isnt it great Kelly has a good job now" And I actually feel like I am a thriving member of the community when i am working. I have never been one to be suicidal i have my kids to live for but if i was this would definalty put me over the edge! I will udate soon.

Ugh I feel like a broken record talking about being in pain but it just doesnt seem to be giveing up I had one good day last week and even with the good day I was still limping and would not have been able to be on my feet for any length of time. It hurts to sit to long it hurts to lay to long it hurts to stand at all. The thing that is getting to me more then the pain is the effect it is haveing on my life, I cant go shopping enless they have the bugys and the places i like to go bargin shopping dont have the buggies. My kids have been wanting to go to Toys r Us to spend their xmas money and I know they will be shopping forever and I cant be on my feet that long. I have been trying to get a good nights sleep and its just not happening! I see the rumatologist(sp) Dr. tommorow and I dont know what I am gonna say to him to make him understand I cant live like this!! I think I have lost some more weight I will see tommorow, I haveing been following a specific diet I have just been trying to be careful and not be snacking and fast food dining ect. I am getting lots of ideas on differant on things I can do to aleve the pain and I try everything I am thinking eventually something has got to give. And added to all this I hae the rest of my life to stress about like bills job kids family try to have some kind of social life ect. Oh and never mind the fact that I didnt have a freaking sex life for a few years now I have someone to have a sex life with and I have to keep blowing him off cuz I am in so much pain with my legs, wait blowing him off sounds bad ummmmm I dont know how to word it better LOL Anyhow if I keep telling him he cant come over for whateer reason he is gonna stop wanting to come over. Maybe if I told him the truth about why I dont have him come over he will understand better. Please dont ask why my knee and leg pain haveanything to do with keeping me from haeign sex, just trust me it does and I dont want to have to explain.
So if that isnt enough problem for one person, I have the decision next month to sign another year lease or not. Now I love love love my place. I would love to live there for a few more years till I can maybe get a house. But with not haveing a job right now and I dont know if or when I will have one, the rent payment will just be added stress to myself , which it actually is already stressful, even when I was working I worried everyday of the month am I gonna have the money for rent next month, 3 times I have had to borrow money to make my rent. OK so there is this trailor park that has trailors for sale that are really cheap, the lot rent is around 300$ And its a nice park with lots of amenaties. I should be getting a decent tax check this year and would be able to afford to buy a trailor, then I would only have to worry about lot rent which is less then half of what I am paying now, alot less to stress about. but I worry that they wont have anything decent when I go looking, they only have a select few that are available for cheap. I am afarid I might end up at my mothers again which would put me so much deeper into depression, I cant even stand to think it. So if I sign another year lease I dotn think its fair to myself or family members that have had to loan me money. But things could pick up aHHHHH !!! I need to just win the damn lottery and i can take care of everything!!!!!!!!!!
It seems like all i do is complain latley, I will try to think of something good that has happened. to talk about next time.

This week is takeing sooo long it seems maybe its just cuz I feel like crap! I started you know what which doesnt happen very often but when it does it really does!! So that topped with the leg cramps at night I have not got any sleep! My house has been very peaceful this week thank goodness, my kids have been accupied with all their presents, I havent heard "I'm bored" once, that will probally only last a week or so though hahaha. I should have used this week to be out pushing the avon seeings how I have an over abundance of books by mistake this campain, but I dont really think ppl will be in the mood for spending this week. I am still job hunting my sis heard a funeral home needed a hostess which would be fine I thought ya I could do it but then as soon as it was a funeral for a kid or a baby I would loose it, I decided against applying for the job. But I have my eye out and monday will be hitting the pavement once again.

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Its xmas a big thing in my family, I am at my sis' house its been a long day the kids were up early excitted about there loot I am pretty sure they were very pleased. I was cracking up cuz everything my daughter opened she said oh woo its just what I always wanted, well she came to a gift from my mom which wazs earings but they were in a scotch tape box and she just kinda looked at it for a minute and said "ya I wanted some tape!" I laughed so hard I thougth dang if I would have know she was gonna be that easy I would not have stressed so much over getting her what she wanted, at least I know she is appreciative(sp?). My son was over joyed about the play station! and his new tv. I got a new stereo and the cutest hand painted shirt with betty boop as a withc flying on a broom stick I love it, it never fails some one in my family always gets me witchy things, my kids got me a book about fairys its actually a "jouranl that the author kept on fairy experiances, it has fairy wings and dust ect. in it, very cute. Oh and my nephew got me the best thing of all Three bottles of boones farm!! No shit it was cool and it was flavors I have not tried yet so i was stoked! This years holidays season was especially nice, I am so thankful for my family, and I love my Pagan family as well. So as my kids would say now I have two xmas's to look forward to every year!

Yesteray was Yule, it was nice my friend Dawn came over for coco and cake. We were going to build a snowman but it was to frozen to pack, oh well our hearts werent broken haha. OK so I had a revalation last night and I decided it is just to much to try change my life style all at once and take better care of my self. It will be alot easier to take it day by day, everyday I will say to my self I am going to take care of my self today, and every night ask myself if I toof care of myself today, so far today I have taken care of myself, so so far so good.
OK so next subject, hehe in an altered state the other night I thought of my Pagan family and how they would fiit if they were truly blood relatives, I came up with kind of a stry line and here is the intro...... Amanda definatly would be the older sister she was an only child for a few years before mom had another kid, Amanda and mom are very close and Amanda can be very motherly to all us other siblings, I think she has the most sense out of all us kids. Then Amy came along she went off to columbia to study coffee we dont get to always see her but when we do its always nice, she very intelligent and uses big words! Then the next born is Dawn, she has a pretty good head on her shoulder to, she can kinda be bossy but we dont mind cuz sometimes we need it haha, then I was born next I am truly the middle child I can get along with the older kids and be serious and also hang with the younger kids and party down. My younger sibling is Raven she is fun and our family Diva, shes beutiful! One of the only boys is Robert he is the silliest but I think he may be adopted. We also have our couther (thats cousin/brother) he has lived with us since I can remember, hes the youngest of us all, and I dont really know why he came to llive with us but thats only something the adults talk about either way we are glad to have him and love him. Now recently we have a new sister she is the same age as Amanda and her name is Melanie we call her Luna though, Now I have no idea were shes been and why us kids didnt know about her, thats something else only the adults talk about, but she fits right in with all us crazy kids and I hope she sticks around for awhile. Every family has rejects and we have had a few of those, one was Crazy aunt Mary she was sent off to timbucktoo were ever that is. The there was the pathalogical lier Julie she was a long distant relative that came around for a few then when know one from this side of the family would have anything to do with her anymore she went off to become a Jew. I love my Pagan Family and will continue the story as our lives go on. Thats all for now.

Well the yule party with my Pagan Family was great! I learned a new word calamaities, the night demonstradted it as well, I think maybe the full moon was playing games with us that night hehehe. I think i am about in the most holiday spirit as I will ever get I cant wait, I am done done done shoppping and even had a little money left over to by some special herbs for myself!!!! Which I am enjoying very much! LOL I dropped all the presents for my kids off at my moms just to hide them, and she is doing my wrapping for me woot woot! I was so worried earlier this month and it all has worked out so great I am so thankful! The universe really pulled it together for me!!! Thats all I can think off to talk about for now hmm unusual for me to be at a loss for words hehehehee

I am good at rambling just ask Dawn when I call her, she useally gets an ear full of it hahaha. Anyhow nothing has change much this week from last, I am still trying to see the cup as half full. I actually almost have all my xmas shopping done! I was awarded my unemployment which was wonderful and is helping out with xmas big time!!! I am excitted I love watching the kids opening their gifts and I finally was able to get my son his Playstation 2 which he has been asking for, for 3 years now, plus I got him a cell phone, it was only 20 bucks and it is a prepaid minute thing so I figure he will learn responsability by haveing to buy his minutes and keep track of it ect. I was against him getting a phone at first hes only ten but for 20 bucks what the heck, he will be very geeked. Now my daughter has been a litle harder to buy for, she loves baby dolls, so I got her a cabbage patch baby, and my sister bought her this beutiful 100+$ doll at a specialty store, she is going to have to take very good care of it, its the type of doll you have still when your an old lady and pass down to your grankid, I have been trying to find a nice wooded craddle for her to keep it in but all the stores hae is cheaply put together junk I am gonna have to go to an antigue store I think. but she is a clothes freak, so she got a few new outfits, it seems like she got mre then my son so far but his stuff was more expensive, so i need to pick him up a few small things so they have teh same amount of presents to open. anyhow I am excitted woot woot, plus I have the Yule party with my Pagan family this weekend I am so stoked about it as well! Then Sunday my daddy and his wife are coming over for dinner, I am gonna be whipped after this weekend and plan on sleeping all day monday while the kids are at school !!

Lately i think I have been wy to negative about everything, I have always tried to be a posative person, the glass is half full not half empty, things could be worse, it is not all that bad ect.... So with all the problems that have presented themsleves to me rather then be pissed and depressed I am just gonna have to chalk it up to life litle lessons, I went out shopping today with the kids which is usually a frustrating experiance and it was no differnat then beofre but, I just kept thinking at least I have my kids and the abilty to go shopping. I think I am even getting into the Season spririt which I didnt think was ever gonna hit me this year maybe I was blocking it. i really believe in mind over matter and try to practice it whenever possiable, again lately I think I have lost that ability, but I did utilized that theory today. while shopping as much as my legs killed I kept saying I am, ok I am ok. It worked for the most part,I did finally break down and by the third store I had to use an amigo buggie, but I knew i would be there for a while and would not make it the whole time, but I feel good about the day for the most part. Also i am trying to think about and take on all the problems (money , job, health ect.) in little bits and pieces, instead of looking at it all as a whole, thats what makes it all overwhelming, its not like I can fix it all at once so why think about it all at once!

Ugh ok I dont have to go into detail of how i am in tremendous pain in my legs and knee area I have mentioned it before. well the Dr ran all kinds of test and said there were a few posiablities of what could be wrong, I have gone over all that.... So Tues I am at the Dr prepared to hear something bad good I didnt just something, and NOTHING a big fat nothing, the Dr said the test all come back clean show3ing no signs of any of the athritis, lupus, ect type diseases. Yippie thats a good thing I am thankful for that but in the mean time I would like to know what is it then? The Dr says he cant diagnose me with anything according to the test, does he suggest more test NOOOOO, he says "nothing is wrong with you" now at this point I am in tears, i tell him then explain why I am in so much pain I cant function throughmy daily life I canvacum a room without taking a break it takes 10 minutes to get from my house to the car or vice versa, I cant sleep because my legs are spazing in the night! Still he says I dont know. Then he bust out with the weight issue and I am not getting any younger, when 3 weeks ago I brought up the weight and it wasnt an issue, but now because he has no explaination for whats wrong with me it is an issue! What the fuck! So I say Ok i understand careing arounf this w3eight is a problem and may hurt my legs but explain to me hy my arms hurt and I have no strenght all the sudden in my hands and arms, my arms arnt carrying my weight! I told him that over the weekend I felt like I was hit by a truck and almost went to the ER but bit my tounge and held off to find out the test results and hopefully get some treatment, I told him I feel like I am getting sick again like back in May when i had the mistery virus. BUt he stares at me blankly, Oh my iron is low I am anemic so He prescribes me iron pills tells me to come back in 6 weeks, and see if it makes a differance, says my iron beinf low may be causeing me some discomfort! Ya right asshole I am more then just a little uncomfortable!! I am not some fucking pill head just wanting soem pain pills to keep me high everyday!! I told him I need to work and I am haveing a gard time finding a job were I am sitting, and if I could deal with the pain I would be able to take a job anywhere so what do I do he says I cant recomend you for ssd becuz I have no diagnoses for you. Ugh I am sop fustrated its not like I want something to be wrong with me but I would like to know what is wrong I know its not all in my head. and still they refuse to give me any pain meds. Oh and Raven should love this one... I asked the Dr. what he thought about 'fibromyalgia' spelled wrong I know sorry) becuz I was reading about it and it sounds like alot of whats wrong with me fits that. He says he dont believe in "Fibro" its a garbage term used when they dont know whats wrong with someone (hmm like me) and theres no real diagnoses or treatment for it there fore it doenst really exsisit!!! Ok whatever, it just makes me so mad that ok he didnt find anything in this set of test why not take more freaking test give me an MRI, hell I dont know but do fucking something I cant live like this, I have always been pretty healthy other then an ocasionaly cold and being fat. I knew turning 30 was gonna suck but I have been ill ever since and I just feel like this is it I am stuck I am cripled, everything I do I have to think about before, like shopping or just takeing the kids to the park, am i gonna have some where to sit, how much walking is involved ect.? I really feel bad for my kids, I feel like I am cheating them, they dont have full accsess to their mom, I cant run around with them, I havent been up in my sons room in 2 months beuz stairs kill me! They are great kids they help me out so much as far as cleaning and takeing out garbage that kind of stuff, my son is truly the man off the house, he does everything that is generally the mans job like garbage, killing bugs, starting the car to warm in the morning, brings in all the grocerys, he takes the keys when we get home and gets him and his sister in the house while I waddle across the parking lot. My daughter does help to she even trys doing the dishes, when I am on a break from standing at the sink. Dinners have been reduce to quikie micro meals, instant whatever, so I dont have to stand at the stove for long periods of time. I am not trying to go out of my way to stay off my feet cuz I know I will be in pain I test myself continuously but end up in tears or feeling worse. My neice had a bday party the other day at LP skating rink god its been years since I went there! I used to skate my ass off it was fun, this was my daughters first time on skates and I was in so much pain this night more then usual that I couldnt even walk around with her holding her hand till she got the feel of the skates, my mom had to do it, I had to go out to my car cuz I just couldnt take it, I wanted so bad to put on a pair of skates and take my fat ass out there with my kids and other family members. I feel like there is so much I am missing out on and so much that my kids are missing out on and that hurts more then anything. Being broke doesnt help thats a w3hole nother issue though, I know there is more to life then money but I dont even have my health and my life to fall back on right now. So my plan of action is see my family Dr tell him I want a referal to another Dr. someone that will find out whats goin on with me.

hmmmm yesterday I posted at least i thought I did?? but I dont see it anywhere?? I am new to this livejournal stuff and dont have it down pat yet, maybe Tuesday if we have a minute i will have my Dawny show me the ropes.
Anyhow I hate to sound like a broked record if for some reason yesterdays post is out there and I just cant find it but then again if its not then here goes it...... Basically this past week and a half since I was last on line has seen its ups and downs.I think I am getting back what ever virus I had in May that put me in the Hospital for a week, I have all the same symtoms Sore throat, headache, every muscle in my body hurts I feel like I got hit by a mack truck!! I am trying to hold on til tuesday when i see the Dr. but I can barely walk and dont know how long i can put up w3ith this shit! Other then that I am trying to get in the holiday spirit for the kids sake, I went ahead an put up the tree all in purple it turned out pretty then my momma bought me a purple pointsettia It is beutiful I have never seen one that color before! I wasnt sure how I was even gonna pay my rent this month let alone start x mas shopping cuz I still havent found a damn job!! I must have sent out a million resume and I will send out a million more!! But again thank gods for my momma and sister I have my rent paid. Not to mention my lights would be off if it wasnt for my sons godmother! And I know my kids will have a good xmas becuz of my family is so wonderful, but it still sucks i feel like I am cheating them on my part, yes some of the gifts my mom buys she will say are from me but its not really cuz I didnt actually buy it, the kids dont know the differance nor do they care, but I know and it bugs the shit out of me, the last 2 years was two of the first xmas' that I didnt need to borrow a dime to buy all the presents i needed to buy, which felt awsome, and now here i am back in a whole again!! it feels like I get one step ahead and take 4 back. The avon is going good this was my first campain and it went well hopefully it will continue to grow and it keeps me feeling a little less inadiquite(i know that is spelled really wrong sorry). Never the less i am thankful for what i do have and thats my kids my blood family and my PC family. I also was thinking last night as I snuggled under my comforter how lucky we are to have heat! I cant imagine how they survived winter with ou heat back in the day!! So I try to be postive no matter what the universe has in store for me. I always always keep in mind what two wise women once said " You will always have waht you need" -Amanda and " the universe will only give you what you can handle"- Dawn

Well this week has been kinda blah , hence the subject title! My only highlights are that I started selling AVON which I have twice in the past and ended up spending more then I made, but seeings how this time I am completly broke that wont be possiable, I made a deal with myself that I cant by anything till after the first of the year only if I am makeing good money with it. I dont expect to make a living from it but hopefully it will give me a little change in my pocket. Another true high light was the Pagan Center activity last night, we had a suprise party for Raven and it was fun. I always feel so alive when I am around all my witchy friends I stay on a natural high when I am with the group the continuous laughter helps I think. Other then that like I said everything has been blah I went to the Dr. specialist on tuesday, he is running all kinds of blood work on me to find out what is wrong with me, and really I feel good except me knees hurt soooooo f*cking bad I am in tears almost everynight, sitting they just ache and throb, standing and walking feels like knives stabbing me over and over, the Dr. said there is no fluid build up and lots of meat between the bones so their not grinding so he dont know why they hurt so bad. I am also Anemic and there is no explain nation for that either. He seems to think I have maybe Lupus or Ruematoid arthritis, so I will find out in three weeks what the deal is. And after all this never mind the fact that no Dr.s will give me anything for Pain besides freakin motrin which dont do jack!!!! Either way I need to go file for diability, cuz if its either I will have it forever and I cant work on my feet and I just cant seem to find a sit down job they just arent out there I have been looking since sept. I hate the thought of not being able to work! I like money and diabilty will barely be enogh to live on let alone giveing me free rein to shop and do fun stuff like vacations and extra stuff like that, which money is required! I also cant stand to think I cant do things with my kids that require to much physical activiy I couldnt take them to a theme park if my life depended on it, the walking would kill me, oh and I look so cute with my ass in a wheel chair right! Its embaressing enough that when I go shopping latley I have to use the damn go carts here I am only 30 years old I should be in good health people probally see me in the go cart and say oh shes just fat and lazy. which is not the case yes I am fat and lazy hehe but I love to shop and those freaking go carts are a pain to work, so if I wasnt in so much pain I would not be useing one! its crazy because I have usually always had a pretty high tolerance for pain, I have several tattoos and not one really was that painful, I gave birth twice the first time with no drugs, Dr.s have always said i was strong, and now I feel completly broken down all because my knees hurt so bad. whci is real recent just since Oct. other then that i have been sick on and off since May all of it kinda related as far as it being joint pain fever that type of stuff, but no matter what ever Dr. has said we dont know whats wrong with you, well damn it somebodie better figure it out! I dont know what will happen in three weeks This Specialist seems to be pretty determined to get me treated, oh then I have to add that at the end the Dr says "Oh were did you get that ring I like that" and he was talking about my pentacle ring!!! he had some indian jewlery on and I thought him I wonder if he is into metaphysical type stuff and when he made that comment it confirmed it hehehe!

Well this week has been kinda blah , hence the subject title! My only highlights are that I started selling AVON which I have twice in the past and ended up spending more then I made, but seeings how this time I am completly broke that wont be possiable, I made a deal with myself that I cant by anything till after the first of the year only if I am makeing good money with it. I dont expect to make a living from it but hopefully it will give me a little change in my pocket. Another true high light was the Pagan Center activity last night, we had a suprise party for Raven and it was fun. I always feel so alive when I am around all my witchy friends I stay on a natural high when I am with the group the continuous laughter helps I think. Other then that like I said everything has been blah I went to the Dr. specialist on tuesday, he is running all kinds of blood work on me to find out what is wrong with me, and really I feel good except me knees hurt soooooo f*cking bad I am in tears almost everynight, sitting they just ache and throb, standing and walking feels like knives stabbing me over and over, the Dr. said there is no fluid build up and lots of meat between the bones so their not grinding so he dont know why they hurt so bad. I am also Anemic and there is no explain nation for that either. He seems to think I have maybe Lupus or Ruematoid arthritis, so I will find out in three weeks what the deal is. Either way I need to go file for diability, cuz if its either I will have it forever and I cant work on my feet and I just cant seem to find a sit down job they just arent out there I have been looking since sept. I hate the thought of not being able to work! I like money and diabilty will barely be enogh to live on let alone giveing me free rein to shop and do fun stuff like vacations and extra stuff like that, which money is required! I also cant stand to think I cant do things with my kids that require to much physical activiy I couldnt take them to a theme park if my life depended on it, the walking would kill me, oh and I look so cute with my ass in a wheel chair right! Its embaressing enough that when I go shopping latley I have to use the damn go carts here I am only 30 years old I should be in good health people probally see me in the go cart and say oh shes just fat and lazy. which is not the case yes I am fat and lazy hehe but I love to shop and those freaking go carts are a pain to work, so if I wasnt in so much pain I would not be useing one! its crazy because I have usually always had a pretty high tolerance for pain, I have several tattoos and not one really was that painful, I gave birth twice the first time with no drugs, Dr.s have always said i was strong, and now I feel completly broken down all because my knees hurt so bad. whci is real recent just since Oct. other then that i have been sick on and off since May all of it kinda related as far as it being joint pain fever that type of stuff, but no matter what ever Dr. has said we dont know whats wrong with you, well damn it somebodie better figure it out! I dont know what will happen in three weeks This Specialist seems to be pretty determined to get me treated, oh then I have to add that at the end the Dr says "Oh were did you get that ring I like that" and he was talking about my pentacle ring!!! he had some indian jewlery on and I thought him I wonder if he is into metaphysical type stuff and when he made that comment it confirmed it hehehe!

Ok this is my very first time with live journal and forgive me till I get it all down. For some reason i couldnt get a pic of me to upload? I dont have my own computer at the time so i cant gaurentee how often I will be writting in here. But a few people I know have journals here and it seemed like a good idea as somewhere to rant or brag not that I have anything to brag about haha. Anyways i cant always say i will have anything interesting to say either but sometimes I will ok I guess I am rambling I tend to do that. Oh and I must ask please forgive me for the typos i can actually spell but not type. So thats it for my first time, hopefully tommorow I will have something good to talk about. I may actually have a date tonight and trust me its been forever!!!!